So im not the greatest example...

Last night I went back to an old habit. A terrible one. I mean I haven't done this in two years, but all it took for me to go back was a little push. I was closer to going back than I thought. It hurt, but it was okay. I wish i hadnt done it, but thats the past now..

That moment when...

You give someone your everything, and all you get in return is a backstab. I hate everyone.

I Hate Movies

They make you expect this amazing life, with amazing friends, and this amazing love life, and friendships that last a life time.
But its all false. It's all fake. you get your hopes up, and you put your trust in people, and you give your heart away, and then.. nothing happens.
THATS the reason girls watch sappy love movies. Not because they're cute, but because it's the life we wish we had.
I have an old friend. I've mentioned him in a couple of blog posts. The reason I'm so "jghxjkn" tonight is that... well.. tonight I watched the movie One Day. It shows a friendship between a girl and boy over the span of 20 years. Jut like any friendship they had ups and downs. Eventually they got married and they were beyond in love! I won't ruin the en for anyone that hasn't seen it. Anyways so this movie made me think about m friend Oscar. This time last year we were SO close and now... We walk by each other in the hallway avoiding eye contact and not speaking. Which sucks, a lot. Let me rewind a few weeks and tell you everything.
Winter break started three weeks ago. On the 20th of December I reached out Toni to see if we could try being friends. He basically told me he wouldn't care enough to give effort. He blew me off and it sucked but I took it like a big girl and tried not honking about him or what he had just done. Then, a few dys later, maybe a week, he contacts me trying to get rid of our "awkwardness". He blame it on both of us as if I hadnt tried to not get the that. So this time around it was me blowin him off. It wa so hard for me to not say " yes let's be friends again" but I knew that if I had said that, it would just prove to him that I do "need" him in my life still. And I dont, and I need him to understand that. Since then we haven't talked much, we've had many "awkward" encounters though. What makes matters worse, is that my frienddylan, who I'm very close to at the time, is oscars best friend. Its hard to talk to Dylan because they're always together.
Now back to the movie. I wish oscar and I's friendship was like the one on the movie. I know that's so cliche or whatever but honestly I do. I wish I could still call him when I needed help, or he come to me when he doesn't know what to do. I won't lie and say I don't miss him but I can't say that I wish we never grew apart.

I have to post about this.

So while at my aunts house for New Years, I took a little nap because ive been so tired.
So I wake up like 20 minutes later, to my brother saying something to me.
He says "Chino doesnt love you. Oscar loves you. You will marry Oscar."
It was so depressing. Like what even?
On the car ride to my Aunts house, we started talking about him too.
I told then about how I officially stopped caring about him.
My mom told me I was stupid and that i'd regret it soon.
My brother said "well if you ask me he's been your best boyfriend. I liked him."
I'm so tired of not even knowing.
Like jngdhxnbdgk
Forget life.
I wish life was a game and i could just hit the quit button whenever I wanted to.

Last Night.

It could have been better.
Let me explain.
My boyfriend, my friend Emily, and I went out to the movies last night to watch Sherlock Homes.
Emily and I are as close as best friends could get. I've never really had a best friend but Emily is defiantly my definition of one. Anyways so we went out to the movies and it was so good to finally see my boyfriend after about two weeks.
While at the movies Emily was talking about going out to see this guy she likes after the movies.
I was totally down Well it turns out the movie was much longer than expected so in order to be home before she breaks curfew, we had to leave the movie early. I felt so terrible.
So we set out for this guys house and when we get there, we literally sit out there for about 30 minutes before we have to go up to the door and ring the doorbell. Who opens? His mom. Where's this boy? "He's sleeping." She likes him so much it worries me that she'll make up excuses for him.
So I'm going to make a pros and cons list of last night to help sort my brain out.
PROS: 

• I saw Emily
• I saw Juan (boyfriend)
• Had a good time at the movies
• He gave me butterflies
• Went on an actual adventure 
• Broke curfew by a few minutes for the first time ever. 
• Stayed in an empty house
• Stayed up til four watching the blind side <3 

CONS:

• Got lost
• Had to leave movies early.
• Went to a random guys house at 9 at night only to have the door answered by his mom
• It was cold

I suppose overall it was a goodnight. Reguardless of how the night went, I still adore both of these kids with so much of my heart(: They keep me sane <3

Christmas.

The magic of Christmas rubbed off a long time ago.
In fact, it was December 19th, 2006 i believe when Christmas started being just another day to me.
It was the last day of fourth grade for the semester and we were having a party.
My principal came in and told us about how one of our classmates had died.
She was my best friend.
After that, Christmas never seemed the same.
There was no excitement for opening presents or waking up early.
It was simply just another day.
This year is no exception.
There were a couple of things I wanted before going back to school on the 4th.
Last night I brought them all up to my mom.
She laughed at all of them and said no.
There was only one that she said "we'll go back to that one later"
Which in her world means "No, so dont ask me again."
For the most part they were simple things such as dying my hair, taking vitamins, buying a puppy, and getting glasses.
I'm just ready for all of this to go away.
Actually, I say that because im jealous of the 5 year olds who think Santa's trying to sneak around the house when they're sleeping.
Or how staying up til midnight was the toughest thing to do, but you'd do anything to open your presents.
But today, and tomorrow will be just another day for me.

The Rules of a Gentleman

So a friend of mine sent me this blog
THIS ONE.
And All day i've been reading all of the rules.
And it made me realize.
My boyfriend is so good to me.
I know im young, and this is probably only young love,
and will never be anything more,
but i really like it.
He treats me so well and it's so different than all of my past relationships. I actually really like him :3
I used to play this game with an old friend, its called secretly. Ever since we stopped talking ive had no one to play with (lol pathetic :3) so im gonna play it here (: (lolol even more pathetic)
Secretly, I think I am truly falling for this boy <3
I trust him with everything I have. In fact, I'm writing him a list of all the things he doesnt know about me. All the secrets I hide from the rest of the world. I'm nervous to give it to him, but at the same time I'm ready(:
Theres so many things I wish i could tell him to his face but im so scared for rejection, even from a boy that ive been with for three months already. I'm scared to tell him I love him, and scared to tell him how much he means to me. And when he asks about my past? My heart aches of fear that he will deny me for the rest of time. I've never worried about these things before. EVER. with any guy. If it were any other guy, i wouldnt even have to worry about telling them, I wouldnt care. But this guy, hes special. He's very different. He is, Mine <3